More Pain

When did I become a doormat? This really confuses me. When did I get to the point where some ungrateful bitch holds power over my emotions. That sounds really "judgemental" doesn't it? That sounds really "Oh, you're a bad boy who deserves everything he gets" kind of guy, doesn't it?

What if I don't deserve it? What if she really IS a bitch, a self-centered, money-grubbing, back-stabbing, unbalanced bitch.
Why would you be with someone like that, sonny?

Fuck you.

That kind of language is probably why she's actin' that way sonny.

Fuck you again.

What're you gonna do about it, eh? You gonna get all tough guy and posture and cock around like some rooster?

What the ....? No. She can go to hell.

Oh, now that solves everything.

Ok, ok. You want to know what I'm going to do? You see that - "going" - not some punk-ass non-word like "gonna". I'm going to get myself together. I'm going to hold my head high and go on with my life. I already told her that I didn't deserve to be treated the way she treated me and that I don't appreciate it. All she can do is respond like the sorry, low-life bitch she had become. It's a shame when a person's words don't live the person's life. She talks a great game, but in the end, she's just a lame, broken down cow that is bitter, untrusting, untrustworthy, short-sighted woman who's in this life thing for whatever she can grab and it doesn't matter who she tramples to get it as long as she doesn't have to work to hard for it. Fuck her and the sorry negativity she brings into this sordid world.

I may be seeing some glimmer of life in you sonny boy. Maybe she IS a bitch and you WERE wronged. Whatcha gonna do about it?

I thought I just told you.

No, what are you going to do with the pain. The hurt. The crushing blow your heart felt when she crushed it with her bitch hammer.

Oh that.

Yea, that.

I'm going to nourish it, take care of it, and watch it die with each step I take to make my life better. The hole has been there in my heart before. I know how to heal it.

I thought so sonny.

You're not so bad once you get going.

And you are not as bad as she makes you out to be son. Don't allow her to steal your passion. Make her fuel it. And don't you believe a word she says. She's as full of shit as the next fellow. She just doesn't know it.

Ignorant . . .

Now now.

Thanks.

Anytime.

Pain

Ever been blindsided by someone you've bent over backwards for? Ever been devastated emotionally because you believed that this person would never forget all the good you did for them and turn on you like a cornered badger?

When this happens, my confusion skyrockets. I suppose I believe people will treat kindness well all the days of your life. Kindness is only a temporal phenomena it seems. Life becomes a series of "what have you done for me lately" acts that eventually tumble and fall like all things on this earth.

It still hurts when it happens though. The pain of cruel words and more cruel intent dig deeper from those you believe like you. Their actions make you question whether you are doing the right thing in life by giving a person a hand up. Once on their feet they often seem to bite that hand. Then they'll defend their actions with some internal logic that makes no sense in the real world.

I had my day handed to me with force right in the gut today. I suppose I shouldn't have questioned why the person was so upset with someone on Facebook. I couldn't see the reason, so I made my observations and asked what was up.

I got blasted. What's worse, I got blasted because I hadn't read the comment thread between the two people. Their conversation got heated. Had I read that, I would have known why. I was handed my head and told I was a really good friend but ...

When will people learn the damaging power of that word? But is nothing but a brutal word for everything nice I said about you is not true. I suppose I should not get so upset. After all, this person was just taking advantage of me anyway. There's a certain amount of unhappiness that comes with putting yourself out there. I just wish the pain did not have to come my way. I don't like being hurt, especially when I know the person who did it will never own up and truly apologize.

I'll have to eat the pain and move on. Then, as always seems to happen, you have to interact with the person afterward. Both of you pretend nothing happened but the distance grows and you end up going your separate ways.

I loathe conflict. I loathe the fact that the very people who befriend you are the ones you'll eventually have to deal with on a battlefield of words, ideals and emotions. There is no peace in this life. And there is no pain like the pain of the heart.

How Did We Get Here?

I just looked over my titles of recent blogs - Cattle Prodded Masses, Islam - An Orgy of Murder, I Am the Last Confused Man - and I realize I have a gift for titles that grab. Too bad no one reads them. The good thing so far is the content hasn't been deemed worthless. Of course, one day that may come to pass. Someone may actually stumble across this writing and respond with, "Oh my god, this blog is crap!"

Writers live with that stigma hanging over their heads. We write and write and write and often it sucks. Then we hit that moment of lucidity where all the planets line up, God Himself gives his blessing, the masses are in a funk and boom! there is a gem to capture everyone's attention - for a moment.

Criticize writers all you want. At least we have the balls to put it out there. At least we have an attention span long enough to contemplate more than our next party, meal, screw, game or whatever distraction is top on everyone's list in THEIR particular moment. Society today lives like it will never die.

I'm not attempting to be morbid, but do you really have nothing better to do than watch 36 hours of football over the weekend? Or how about 100 hours of TV a week? This shit is ROBBING YOU. This shit IS STEALING YOU LIFE!

I'm a football and basketball fan. Hell, even Tiger Woods has made my sports window. But I look back over my life and wonder at all the hours I used to spend watching SOMEONE ELSE DO SOMETHING I WANTED TO DO! Give me a basketball and a hoop over watching the prissy-assed pampered NBA millionaires any day.

I suck at golf, but I love the serenity of the manicured courses. I love the challenge of attempting an excellent drive or a putt of any kind. In football, there is nothing like a perfect spiral settling into someones' outstretched arms or making that one-handed grab in stride.

Screw television. How many times have we been told "TV is the great wasteland". This has been a quiet little voice for decades. Are we going to continue to avoid life by living through electrons presented to us by people who "have our number?"

Do you realize you are programmed by government and corporations? Oh my god, he's on a "big brother conspiracy kick!" Wake up people! I'm not presenting fiction! Step away from your television for three weeks. Turn it off and get a life. See what I'm talking about.

We have a world. We have beauty all around us. There are smells, tastes, concepts, relationships and countless other aspects of LIVING that we deny each time we sit in front of an ever-more technologically enhanced BOX and allow anything resembling life to leach away into fat cells and dulled minds.

So sure, criticize the writer. Make fun of his or her manic ideas of freedom to live and breathe without electrons dominating our life. Criticize the opinions we dare to form and put out there for consumption. At least we're paying attention and are brave enough to express our thoughts.

This is my rant and confusion for the day - How did we get here? How did we get to the point that life is not a short gig and beauty is something to be viewed antiseptically.