Exposure to Myself

Why am I doing this? The odds of anyone finding this blog are slim. I'm not advertising it. Anyone who reads this will basically have to stumble across it. Who knows. Thirty years from now when I'm old, feeble or dead, someone may discover my confused ramblings and call them art. Or not.

This evening, my confusion lies within. Ok, so that's confusion's usual location, but this one strikes at my heart. Why do I fear and love public speaking? Why do I subject myself to the rigors of writing and giving a speech and all the stress this involves? Yet, somewhere I receive great satisfaction from speaking. I'm sure the satisfaction stems from the accomplishment.

Two weeks from now I will be giving a speech at the Toastmasters Division 84 Humorous Speech Contest. My speech will not be humorous as I am the "test" speaker for the Evaluation Contest. This is an honor and a challenge. I will have plenty of time to get a speech together and deliver it on the largest stage of my speaking career to this point. The challenge is there. The fear is hiding. Why is that?

Fear usually freezes me and screams, "You can't do this you fool! You're terrified to speak in front of strangers!" Is it that I'm still too far out from the speech date to be concerned? What will my speech be about? Do I wish to dazzle them with brilliance or baffle them with bullshit.

I'm not sure I own the capability to dazzle or baffle. Something tells me I'll do well. This is not the normal modus operandi of my emotional self. I am usually cowering in the shadow of potential failure or embarrassment. I recently spoke twice at Toastmasters, so possibly the proximity to having given a couple speeches has me confident. I just hope this sticks around.

Having keyed this, I realize I may have placed key words like "Toastmasters" and "speech" in here. Someone doing a Google search may find my little hideaway blog. If you are that person, have pity on my ramblings. I'm a published author that needs a vent space. This is my dumping ground. There's no telling what you'll find here. No telling whether it'll be worth reading, but as any writer knows - it is WELL worth the writing.

Writers MUST have the opportunity to vent. To dump garbage. To be opinionated when they are stifled elsewhere. Nothing like the digital age to help us along. I want to knock these people's socks off. I want them to know I'm a viable force in the speaking world. I'm just now realizing I may have turned the corner and finally come into my own as a speaker. This next speech will tell the tale ...